If you’re part of my PANDAS/PANS Parent Facebook Group or follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably seen my posts about using Collaborative Problem Solving (Collaborative Problem Solving) with your PANDAS/PANS child or teen.
Today, I want to dive deep into this approach and explain why it’s so effective for PANDAS/PANS families.
As parents of children with PANDAS/PANS, we often find ourselves in very difficult and challenging territory. The changing symptoms, the rollercoaster of emotions, and the constant search for effective treatments can leave us feeling overwhelmed and sometimes helpless.
Collaborative Problem Solving is a great tool to have as a PANDAS/PANS parent – it’s a structured way to change how you’re viewing your PANDAS/PANS child or teen’s behaviors and then work with them in a way that can reduce anger, outbursts and push-back.
Dr. Ross Greene–The Creator of Collaborative Problem Solving (Collaborative Problem Solving)
To truly appreciate the power of Collaborative Problem Solving, it’s important to understand its roots:
- Dr. Ross Greene published “The Explosive Child” in 1998
- I first read it in graduate school in 1999 – it was groundbreaking!
- 25 years later, Collaborative Problem Solving is still incredibly effective
- Extensive research backs up its effectiveness
When Dr. Greene first introduced this approach, it was a completely different way to understand “behavior”. Instead of focusing on changing behaviors through rewards and punishments, Collaborative Problem Solving emphasizes the importance of understanding what issues may be causing kids and teens to show “behaviors”. For PANDAS/PANS kids and teens, inflammation is often the underlying issue. When parents can shift their perspective in this way, it can improve the family environment significantly.
The Evolution of Collaborative Problem Solving
Over the years, Dr. Greene has refined and expanded his approach. He’s written several more books, including “Lost at School” and “Raising Human Beings”. Each of these books helps parents and schools understand how to better support kids and teens who are struggling.
The core philosophy of Collaborative Problem Solving has remained consistent: “Kids do well when they can”. When they’re not doing well, it’s the adult’s job to be a detective and understand what is preventing a PANDAS/PANS child or teen from being able to do well so we can shift how we support kids.
Why Collaborative Problem Solving Works for PANDAS/PANS Families
As a therapist and coach, I’ve seen excellent results with PANDAS/PANS families who adopt the Collaborative Problem Solving approach. Here’s why it’s so effective:
- It affirms that there is a medical basis for PANDAS/PANS “behaviors”. Collaborative Problem Solving recognizes that challenging behaviors stem from brain-based difficulties, not willful defiance.
2.It’s flexible: PANDAS/PANS symptoms can fluctuate and wax and wane.. Collaborative Problem Solving provides a fluid and flexible approach that can adapt to your child’s changing needs.
- It builds skills: Instead of just managing behaviors, Collaborative Problem Solving focuses on building the skills that your PANDAS/PANS child or teen needs help with, while also providing choice to your child or teen which is needed.
- It reduces family stress: By fostering understanding and collaboration, Collaborative Problem Solving can significantly reduce conflicts and decrease stress on family relationships.
- It empowers PANDAS/PANS kids and teens: Collaborative Problem Solving involves children in the problem-solving process, giving them a sense of control that’s often lacking in traditional behavioral approaches.
A Personal Note
I want to share that Collaborative Problem Solving has been a game-changer with my own PANDAS/PANS child. Traditional parenting approaches left us both frustrated and discouraged. Using Collaborative Problem Solving strategies not only improved our relationship but also empowered my child by having a voice in how things were handled in our home.
The Power of the “Empathy Step”
The first step in Collaborative Problem Solving, called the “Empathy Step,” can transform how you view your child’s behaviors. Let’s use an iceberg analogy to understand this better:
- The Visible Part (Behaviors)
Think of behaviors as the top of an iceberg. These are easy to see and often frustrating. For PANDAS/PANS children, these might include:
- OCD symptoms
- Anxiety or separation anxiety
- Mood changes and/or rage episodes
- Issues with handwriting or other fine motor skills
- Changes in food preferences or eating behaviors
- Sleep disturbances
- Urinary frequency or bedwetting
- Tics or other involuntary movements
These behaviors are what we, as parents, often focus on because they’re frustrating and concerning. However, they’re just the tip of the iceberg.
- The Hidden Part (Underlying Issues)
The larger part of the iceberg is underwater. This represents the issues driving the behaviors. For PANDAS/PANS kids, this hidden part is dominated by brain inflammation. This inflammation can affect various areas of the brain, leading to the symptoms (“behaviors”) listed above.
Some of the hidden challenges your PANDAS/PANS child might be facing include:
- Sensory overload
- Executive function struggles
- Processing speed issues
- Memory problems
- Difficulty with emotional regulation
- Challenges with impulse control
- Physical discomfort or pain
- Intrusive thoughts or worries
- Understanding the Full Picture
Brain inflammation affects many skills. Two main areas that are often significantly impacted in PANDAS/PANS kids and teens are:
- Ability to manage emotions: Your child might struggle to identify, express, or manage their emotions.
- Ability to control impulses: Your child might act without thinking or have difficulty stopping themselves from engaging in certain behaviors.
Other affected skills might include:
- Cognitive flexibility (ability to switch between thinking about two different concepts or to think about multiple concepts simultaneously)
- Planning and prioritizing
- Getting started on tasks
- Organization
- Time management
- Memory
- Ability to observe themselves
- The Empathy Shift
Seeing the full iceberg increases parent empathy. When we understand that our PANDAS/PANS child’s challenging behaviors are not willful or intentional, but a result of brain inflammation and skill loss or delay, it becomes easier to respond to them with patience and compassion.
This shift in perspective is powerful. Instead of viewing our PANDAS/PANS child or teen as “unwilling to do something or stop doing something”, we shift towards recognizing that our child or teen is “struggling to do something” or “their brain won’t allow them to do something or stop something”. This change in the lens through which we see our kids and teens opens up new ways to work with them effectively.
Applying the Empathy Step in Daily Life with PANDAS/PANS Kids and Teens
Here are some practical examples of how the Empathy Step can change our responses to common PANDAS/PANS behaviors:
Scenario 1: Resistance to Bedtime Routine
Old Lens: “Why is she being so difficult? She knows it’s bedtime!”
Empathy Step Lens:”I wonder if her brain inflammation is making it hard for her to transition? Maybe she’s feeling anxious about separating from me for the night?”
Possible response: “It looks like anxiety (or PANDAS/PANS) is giving you some worries about being apart from me. Is that right?”
Scenario 2: Sudden Rage Episode
Old Lens: “He needs to control his temper! This behavior is unacceptable.”
Empathy Step Lens: His brain is having trouble regulating emotions right now because of brain inflammation. He’s not doing this on purpose. How can we reduce demands until he has had a chance to calm down?
Possible response: “I can see you’re having big feelings right now. Let’s take some deep breaths together. Or if you need some time on your own, that’s OK. If you want, When you’re ready, we can talk about what’s bothering you.”
Why This Matters
When parents understand that challenging behaviors stem from brain inflammation it’s easier to respond with empathy and patience. This shift in the lens that parents are viewing their child allows for more effective problem-solving and behavior shifts.
The Empathy Step helps us to:
- Reduce conflict: By approaching challenges with curiosity with your PANDAS/PANS child or teen instead of frustration, we can de-escalate tense situations.
- Build trust: When kids and teens feel understood, they’re more likely to work with you as a PANDAS/PANS parent.
- Model emotional regulation and flexibility: By staying calm in the face of challenging behaviors, and recognizing that there are underlying reasons for the behavior, we show our kids how to manage difficult emotions.
Beyond the Empathy Step: The Full Collaborative Problem Solving Process
While the Empathy Step is meaningful on its own, it’s just the first part of the Collaborative Problem Solving approach. The full process includes three steps:
- The Empathy Step: As we’ve discussed, this involves gathering information to understand the child’s concern or perspective about a problem.
- The Define the Problem Step: This is where you share your concern or perspective as a PANDAS/PANS parent.
- The Invitation Step: This is where you invite your PANDAS/PANS child or teen to brainstorm possible solutions that address both of your concerns.
Things to Consider When Using Collaborative Problem Solving
While Collaborative Problem Solving is very effective, it’s important to know that it can be challenging to implement, especially in the midst of a PANDAS/PANS flare. Here are some things to keep in mind:
- It takes practice: Like any new skill, using Collaborative Problem Solving well takes time and patience. Be patient with yourself and your child/teen as you learn how to put together the steps.
- Timing is important: When your PANDAS/PANS child or teen is flaring, they may not be able to engage in problem-solving. It’s okay to focus on de-escalation first and come back to problem-solving later.
- It’s not a quick fix: Collaborative Problem Solving is about building skills over time. You may not see immediate results, but consistent use can lead to significant improvements.
Resources for Learning More
If you’re interested in diving deeper into Collaborative Problem Solving, here are some resources I recommend:
- Books by Dr. Ross Greene: “The Explosive Child,” “Lost at School,” and “Raising Human Beings”
- The Lives in the Balance Website (founded by Dr. Greene): www.livesinthebalance.org
Last Thoughts
Parenting a child with PANDAS/PANS is one of the most challenging journeys a parent can face. Collaborative Problem Solving offers a compassionate, flexible framework for parenting a child or teen with PANDAS/PANS.
Remember, the core message of Collaborative Problem Solving is this: Your child is doing the best they can with the skills they have. Our job as parents is to meet our PANDAS/PANS kids and teens where they are at with their capabilities and create a plan with them that is achievable.
By starting with empathy, clearly understanding problems, and working with our kids and teens to identify achievable solutions, we can help our children develop resilience, self-awareness, and problem-solving skills that will serve them well throughout their lives.
Would you like some support with this?
– Join my private Facebook Group for PANDAS/PANS parents
– Follow me on Instagram for daily tips and support
– Book a 1:1 PANDAS/PANS Parent Coaching session with me
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. With tools like Collaborative Problem Solving, we can navigate the challenges of PANDAS/PANS parenting more effectively and compassionately.
